


made up my mind i'm (leaving) my baby

by ShyAudacity



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bisexual Eddie Diaz, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Canon Compliant, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Hospitals, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Christopher Diaz, Past Character Death, Pining, Romantic Soulmates, Sharing a Bed, Sick Evan "Buck" Buckley, Whump, eddie diaz needs a hug, for the most part anyway, i cant BELIEVE those arent tags, i don mention the tsunami at all, jsut for a second, minor grief, oblivious eddie, tell me if I missed any tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:37:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21650902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: Somehow, Buck manages to not profess his overwhelming, universe sized crush to the whole city of Los Angeles- or Eddie, for that matter. He keeps his feelings in check; he hangs out with Eddie and Christopher when the two of them are off-shift just enough to make it seem friendly and not like Buck is holding back on the biggest secret he’s ever kept.It’s fine,he tells himself.Eddie has Christopher and half a wife to worry about. I don’t need to jump in giving him more to deal with. He’s got enough on his plate right now as it is. He’ll be fine without me.I got along just fine before I knew him, I can keep doing it now.ORA universe where too much distance between soulmates (after they’ve met) can cause one or both of them to become very ill (especially if one of them is pining or not being honest about their true feelings).
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 20
Kudos: 1039





	made up my mind i'm (leaving) my baby

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by Madonna lyrics only to realize I'd been hearing it wrong for years but it's too late now so let's just pretend the ones I use are real, okay? Cool. Also I can't BELIEVE we have to wait until MARCH after tonight that's so unfair. 
> 
> Unbeta'd and title from Papa Don't Preach.

His body is heavy and his head is spinning. The man, all of twenty-eight, takes slow, shaking steps into the building. He looks up and doesn’t recognize where he is- a grocery store apparently. He stands ten feet from the door, swaying in the middle of the open space; others are moving, living their lives around him, hardly registering his presence.

He can feel himself losing his bearings. He tips his head up, trying to focus on whatever song is playing over the loudspeakers above his head. It’s familiar, thinks he heard his mother play it around the house once or twice when he was a child- but instead of focusing on the tune, his knees give way, sending him to the ground in a merciless flop.

The sound still swirls around him, floating in his ears as he finally gives in to the dark.

**“…but I made up my mind-** **I'm leaving my baby…”**

Buck knows things are going to be different with Eddie from the jump, basically. When he looks at Eddie Diaz for the first time, something just above Bucks ribcage aches the same way it did when Buck was a mere twenty-year-old trying to survive college and his parents. It’s not a bad feeling, though- it feels like he just stumbled upon something new, something that he had been missing out on until now. Then, Eddie mentions a wife and Buck tells himself that he must’ve been wrong somehow but still keeps his suspicions in the back of his mind.

He’s never heard of someone having two romantic soulmates… not at the same time, anyway.

It’s almost frightening how well the two get along with each other. In a weird way, Buck feels like he’s known Eddie forever, and maybe he has. Maybe there’s a part of him that’s been waiting for this moment, always expecting this man to walk into his life in one way or another.

Maybe this was meant to happen.

“You’re a badass under pressure, brother,” Eddie tells him after they remove a _grenade_ from a man’s leg, and Buck does his best to not give away how his heart swells two sizes with just a few words.

Somehow, Buck manages to not profess his overwhelming, universe sized crush to the whole city of Los Angeles- or Eddie, for that matter. He keeps his feelings in check; he hangs out with Eddie and Christopher when the two of them are off-shift just enough to make it seem friendly and not like Buck is holding back on the biggest secret he’s ever kept.

_It’s fine,_ he tells himself. _Eddie has Christopher and half a wife to worry about. I don’t need to jump in giving him more to deal with. He’s got enough on his plate right now as it is. He’ll be fine without me._

_I got along just fine before I knew him, I can keep doing it now._

Then, Shannon leaves again- _for good_ this time- and Buck spends the better part of a week sleeping on Eddie’s couch.

There’s one day in particular, when Eddie calls Buck from a beach nearly twenty minutes out of town, asking Buck to come and get him. _“Please, Buck, I- I don’t think I can get home by myself.”_

Buck doesn’t even think about it twice before he’s searching for his keys and a pair of shoes. When Buck finally gets to him, he ushers Eddie back to his car in silence, keeping an arm around his shoulders the whole time. He doesn’t say anything about the crying, or how hoarse his voice sounded on the phone. Buck just drives and keeps a hand on Eddie’s arm the whole way home; neither of them says anything about it.

According to Eddie, Christopher is with his grandparents for the night, and the second they step inside the Diaz house, he says, “You don’t have to stay, Buck, really-.”

Buck doesn’t buy it for a second. “If you really think I’m going to leave you alone when _I know_ you’re not okay then you’ve got another thing coming.”

Eddie stares at him for a long moment, looking like he’s going to put up a fight and then decides against it, letting his shoulders drop. Buck watches Eddie kick off his shoes and then trail into his bedroom, and he considers a bit of a win.

Just like he promised himself, Buck stays with him the whole night. At one point, just after midnight and after they’ve finished off a six-pack of beers, Eddie starts to cry and its unlike anything Buck has ever seen before.

Eddie shakes from the force of it and Buck doesn’t know what to do other than hold him- so he does. He eases Eddie onto the bed, lying flat on top of all the covers, and holds Eddie close until he can’t cry anymore. Buck rubs his hand down Eddie’s spine, holds the back of his head, speaking to him quietly- anything to bring him some form of comfort, even if it’s just for a second.

Buck thinks of kissing Eddie’s forehead but then decides against it. Now is not the time for that- as much as he might want it to be. He doesn’t want to rush Eddie into a new relationship right after losing his wife, so he settles on just holding him. For now, this is more than enough. The two of them fall asleep like that, still wrapped up in each other and closer than they’ve ever been before.

Buck should’ve known that the moment wouldn’t last; the picture was bound to crack eventually.

In the morning, Buck wakes up in Eddie’s bed alone. When he finally finds Eddie in the kitchen, Eddie doesn’t look up at Buck even once- it’s like he’s not even there. Buck isn’t usually one to push but he knows Eddie better than that so he says, “Listen, about last night- if I overstepped at all-.”

“Just forget it,” Eddie interrupts, voice firm and unbreaking. “It doesn’t matter.”

“But- Eddie, c’mon.”

“I said _forget it_ , Buck. Nothing happened. I don’t want to talk about it with you, how hard is that to understand?”

Just like that, in just a handful of words, Buck feels something crack deep inside his chest, leaving him with a lingering ache even after the sound is no longer there.

Feeling like he’s suddenly overstepping all of his boundaries, Buck picks up and shoes and leaves, not saying anything to Eddie on his way out. He doubts there’s anything he could say right now that could fix this. 

This is the first time he realizes that he isn’t meant to have love, let alone hold it. God forbid he breaks something else, right?

A few days later, the firetruck gets blown up _and_ goes up in flames with him in it and Buck forgets the Eddie mess for a little while, but not long enough that it doesn’t still hurt. Everything gets bad overnight then just decides to stay that way and Buck finds himself wondering who he pissed off so badly that he deserved this to happen to him.

Not being able to work is crushing him- no pun intended. Every day that he’s not out there with his crew, that isn’t able to do some sort of good or goddammit just _help_ , Buck feels himself slipping back into a younger version of himself. One that felt constantly lost, one that was always searching for something just out of reach. The worst part is now he knows exactly what that something is- but he doesn’t have the luxury of holding it anymore.

The lawsuit does a lot of things, but mostly destroys his relationship with Eddie. As crazy as it sounds, Buck can feel himself slipping away the longer they’re apart. He feels less and less like himself every day. And the short, heated moment that they spend all but yelling at each other in the market surrounded by the rest of their team certainly doesn’t do anything to help. He doesn’t care about getting his job back anymore- he’s got the feeling that these guys don’t really want him around anymore anyway.

That night, Buck goes home and crawls into bed, content with himself to never come out again.

Things get marginally worse for him after that day in the market. Weeks go by in a blur. Every morning, Buck wakes up with an ache in his chest so big that it’s a wonder no one else can see it. He tries to put on a show for Maddie when she comes over for dinner, but he can’t tell if she’s buying it or not.

By November, Buck doesn’t even recognize himself. His body is weak. He can’t think straight. It’s a miracle he even makes it out of bed most of the time. Hasn’t kept food down in nearly two days.

He doesn’t remember leaving his apartment. Hell, he’s not even sure how he makes it out of the building in one piece. He can’t even remember where he was headed or what he’s doing here-

His body is heavy and his head is spinning. Buck takes slow, shaking steps- it’s all that he can manage. He looks up and doesn’t recognize where he is- a grocery store apparently. He stands ten feet from the door, swaying in the middle of the open space; others are moving, living their lives around him, hardly registering his presence.

Buck can feel himself losing his bearings, his sense of reality slipping from his grasp and he can’t do anything to stop it. He tips his head up, eyes fluttering as he tries to focus on whatever song is playing over the loudspeakers above his head. It’s familiar and yet still so far away.

The fluorescent lights above him feel like they’re getting closer and closer, making Buck feel impossibly small. His knees give way, sending him to the ground in a merciless flop- his body connecting harshly with the hard, cold floor- already halfway dead to the world.

For just a second, right before he checks out for good, Buck thinks he hears sirens somewhere off in the distance. And for his own sake, he prays that it isn’t his team who finds him like this. 

It’s been a slow morning so far at the firehouse. Hen and Chimney are watching a movie that Eddie has never seen before while Bobby is in the kitchen fixing something for lunch.

Eddie pulls at the collar of his work uniform while he’s sitting at the table, thumbing through his phone. He’s been feeling off the few days and he can’t put his finger on what it is. He hopes he’s not coming down with something or he and Christopher are both doomed. There’s a nagging, uneasy feeling right in the bottom of his gut that he can’t place.

His phone buzzes in his hand and at first, he doesn’t think much of it. It’s not even until he answers that he realizes something is wrong.

_“Hi, this is nurse Maggie from LA general hospital. I’m calling on behalf of Evan Buckley- is this Eddie Diaz?”_

His heart comes to a screeching stop inside his chest. “Yes, but- wait what’s wrong with Buck?” Eddie doesn’t have to look up to know that all of the heads in the room just turned towards him.

_“We tried to get a hold of his sister, but the number in our books was out of service. He was brought into our emergency room a little while ago; Mr. Buckley collapsed in a grocery store earlier. His vitals are dangerously low- from what the paramedics said it’s a miracle he even had a pulse. It’s not looking well for him.”_

Eddie feels like he can’t even breathe. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Whether it be the nerves or that still bad feeling in his gut, Eddie gets lightheaded as soon as he stands and has to grab the back of his chair and the table just to keep from falling over- shit, how long has he been feeling like this? Black spots dance in his vision for so long that he doesn’t even notice his entire team has gotten up and surrounded him; how could have not noticed that things were this bad?

“Eddie,” Bobby says from somewhere behind him. “Is everything alright?”

He picks his head, finally meeting all of their worried faces and tries to keep his voice from shaking. “T-That was the hospital. Something’s wrong with Buck.”

That’s all that Eddie has to say for the team to drop everything and head for the truck, already heading towards the hospital. Eddie feels like he’s having an out of body experience the whole ride there. If it weren’t for Hen keeping a firm hand on his shoulder, Eddie thinks he might fall apart completely.

“He’s going to be fine, Eddie,” she says firmly. “He has been before and he will be again.”

He wants to ask _how could you know that you didn’t hear what the nurse said_ \- but he can’t seem to find his voice. Eddie tries to focus on not completely spiraling out of control. He can’t stand the idea of another funeral- not so soon, he can’t take it. He won’t be able to deal with it- not after everything else that’s already gone wrong this year. 

Hen keeps a hand on his shoulder even after they’ve arrived, doesn’t let go even once they’re in the emergency room and he’s grateful for it. If his team wasn’t around him, Eddie has the feeling that he wouldn’t have made it inside at all. 

Eddie feels his stomach flip when they lead him into Buck’s room. The poor kid looks like a ghost. The dark rings around Buck’s eyes stick out like warning signs against the stark white sheets. His face is gaunt in horrifying, bone-chilling kind of way. Hell, if Eddie didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t even think it was Buck (lying in that bed).

Eddie crumples into the nearest chair, still staring in disbelief. As much as he wants to, he can’t bring himself to look away. He feels like someone ripped his heart out of his chest and then stomped on it. He knew things hadn’t been easy on Buck lately… but he never expected that things were _this_ bad.

The rest of the 118 decides to step out for a minute- one part on the notion of giving Eddie a minute alone and the other part to try and get ahold of Maddie.

“H-How could this happen?” Eddie asks, mostly for himself. He tries not to look too startled when a nurse answers his question; he hadn’t even seen her come in.

“It looks a lot like organ failure,” she says, “But it could be something else.”

“Something else?”

The girl nods. “He was conscious for just a moment when they wheeled him in and his eyes… it’s like his _soul_ is broken.”

Eddie gasps before he can even try and stop. His soul is _broken_. “But that… there’s only one way that that happens.”

“Does he have a soul mate that you know about? Someone else that we should call?”

“Buck never… how could-.” A thought so painful flashes into Eddie’s mind and refuses to go unnoticed. He thinks of the last six months, everything Buck ever did for him without asking for anything. How he always showed up exactly when Eddie needed him to and now-

When was the last time he and Buck even _spoke_?

“No.” Eddie mutters to himself. “No, it can’t be true… _oh god,_ what have I done?” 

Just like before, Eddie looks up and the nurse is gone again having left without so much as a sound. He sits there in the quiet, trying to ignore the numb, almighty feeling of guilt spreading across his body. His hands shake in his lap when he looks down at them.

A warm hand on his shoulder startles him; Eddie looks over his shoulder and finds Hen holding a cup of coffee in her other.

“I almost got you one, but judging by the pale look on your face I’m not sure you could stomach it.” 

Eddie ignores the statement in favor of saying, “The nurse said his soul is broken, Hen. I haven’t seen him in weeks and now he’s…” he cuts himself off, growing emotional.

Hen squeezes his shoulder. “Eddie, it’s okay.”

He shakes his head, swallowed the tight knot in his throat. “Buck never told me… why didn’t he say something?”

“You and I both know there’s only one person who can answer that for you.”

And as much as he hates to admit it, he knows Hen is right. She leaves the two of them alone after that, letting Eddie wonder how he could’ve missed something so big- how he could’ve let Buck slip away from him so easily.

Once he’s collected himself a bit, Eddie pulls his chair as close as he can, touching as much of Buck as he can get away with without messing of the wires or risking hurting Buck even more. He moves his hand over Buck’s short hair rhythmically- as if that’s what is going to bring him back.

He keeps running over everything in his head, trying to pinpoint a moment when he _knew_ that Buck was the one- but for the life of him, nothing comes.

Maddie comes by after a little while. She takes one look at her baby brother lying in a hospital bed _again_ and her eyes go glossy. She stays in the doorway, just watching the way that Eddie keeps rubbing his thumb across the knuckles of Buck’s cold hand.

“He talks about you all the time,” she says. “Evan always has some story to tell about you or Christopher… I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. I should’ve guessed that it would’ve been you.”

Eddie looks over at her with wide eyes. “You didn’t know?”

Maddie shakes her head. “No. Buck didn’t tell me you’re his soul mate, Eddie. I don’t think he told anyone.”

Eddie doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he doesn’t try to. Maddie doesn’t stay much longer after that, comes in and kisses Buck on the forehead and then does the same to Eddie with a promise of calling and checking in later. As soon as she leaves, Eddie finds himself wanting to chase after her. Thinks of begging Maddie to tell him everything that she and Buck ever talked about that had even the slightest bit to do with him- or Christopher, for that matter- but he doesn’t. The idea of leaving Buck alone in here for even a second is enough to keep Eddie glued to his seat. 

On day two in the hospital, Buck opens his eyes for all of five seconds and Eddie swears he doesn’t breathe once the whole time.

Buck doesn’t say anything, hell Eddie isn’t even sure Buck realizes he’s there. His eyes are foggy and almost colorless- no light in them at all; completely out of character for Buck. Eddie squeezes his hand, hoping to get some sort of response, but Buck’s eyes are already closing again, leaving Eddie alone with his own thoughts.

The moment leaves as soon as it arrives and Eddie doesn’t know what to make of it. For his own sake, he sighs and quietly says, “What the hell am I going to do with you, Buck?”

The silence that follows feels a lot like an answer in itself.

Buck doesn’t come to again until after midnight, but he’s a bit more cognitive this time. His eyebrows furrow in reaction to the bright light hitting his retinas; Eddie is exhausted and doesn’t doubt that he looks like a complete train wreck, but can’t wait any longer. If Buck doesn’t make a sound in the next ten seconds- anything to prove that he’s still in there- then Eddie thinks he might actually burst.

“Buck? Hey, can you hear me?”

His eyelashes flutter and his fingers flex in Eddie’s firm hold. Buck groans lowly and Eddie can’t remember the last time that he was this relieved. 

“Hey, tough guy,” Eddie says, encouraging Buck to come back to his senses. “You’re alright, Buck. Take your time.”

Buck blinks owlishly a few times before his head lolls to the left, his heavy head trying to focus on Eddie’s frame. “Eddie?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” he says, letting out a watery laugh. “I swear, dude, this hospital is going to have to name a new wing after you or something for being such a frequent flyer.”

Buck keeps staring at Eddie, his eyes still clouded with sleep. In almost disbelief, he asks, “You’re here?”

Eddie almost swallows his tongue at the sheer honesty of the statement. He places a gentle hand on top of Buck’s head, his thumb tracing over Buck’s hairline. “Yeah, yeah, I’m here, pal… just take it easy. You still need your rest.”

Buck just nods against Eddie’s hand, his eyes already slipping closed and taking him away again.

After he’s sure that he’s out, Eddie lets out a few angry tears. One part for the sake of trying to let go of the bad feeling in his chest the other part for still being upset with himself for all of this- for letting Buck think that Eddie wouldn’t show up for him in a moment like this. He’s never going to be able to forgive himself for that.

The third time that Buck returns to the world of the living, it’s nearly sunrise and he has a little more color in his cheeks. He’s able to hold a conversation, but dozes off every few minutes; his body is still catching up with the rest of him.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Eddie asks eventually, holding Buck’s hand in both of his own. The question has been on his mind for hours and he can’t hold it in any longer. “Why wouldn’t you tell me about being your soulmate?”

Buck shrugs lazily, “… didn’t want you t’be mad.”

Eddie furrows his brow. “Why would I be mad?”

“That’s what I do- upset everyone around me. ‘sides… you don’t have to like me even, I just wanted you to want me around.”

Eddie feels his throat go tight for a minute. He’s never heard Buck talk about himself like that before and _god_ it’s awful. He never wants to hear it ever again for as long as he lives. _I’m going to fix this,_ he tells himself, _I’m going to make up for all of the hurt I caused even if it’s the last thing that I do._

Once he no longer feels like he’s going to start crying again, Eddie sniffles and says, “C’mere.”

Buck rolls on his side to get closer to Eddie and Eddie kisses his temple, laying his left arm over Buck’s shoulder blades. He reaches for Eddie, holding on as tight as he can manage with his sluggish arms.

“I’m not leaving again, Buck,” Eddie says sincerely, letting his head slip into the groove of Buck’s neck. “I promise… nothing like this is ever going to happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it.” 

The two of them fall asleep exactly like that. Still holding onto each other with everything that they have- already on their way to better days ahead.

**Author's Note:**

> Not gonna lie, I really enjoyed writing this one.
> 
> Thanks for reading my fic! Comments/Kudos are appreciated and encouraged. I'm on tumblr as paranoidbean if you wanna talk about 9-1-1 or anything else fic related. Thanks again for reading, have a great day!


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